Happens to all of us
Have you ever found yourself reacting badly to a situation that you didn’t foresee, a situation that was out of your control? It didn’t go according to your plan and suddenly you feel upset? Sure, this happens to every single one of us, but what if this happens when seemingly inconsequential, little things go off track, things that don’t matter in the grand scheme, and even though you realize it, you can’t help but feel upset and anxious?
Say you’re at work and it’s a busy day and someone puts a late-notice meeting on your calendar for a topic you may not even need to participate in. Yeah, sure, no one wants yet another meeting, but deep down you might feel that your reaction is a bit extreme. Suddenly you’re not just annoyed or upset, but you’re feeling stressed out and anxious. Why should I be on this call? This is yet another hour of the day I can’t get back. I don’t want to listen to the things that don’t pertain to my project at the moment.
This happens with other things in life when things don’t go according to plan. Simple detours in our lives suddenly become perceived roadblocks making us stressed out and anxious. In those days, it’s hard to see the larger picture and it’s easy to feel like there’s no solution, there’s no end and there’s no other way.
Time to be flexible
Yet there is another way, for our thoughts drive our feelings and our thoughts are simply the stories that we tell ourselves. They do not necessarily have to be fact.
Mental flexibility and resilience are simply functions of our brain that allow our way of thinking to adapt — to become less rigid, less black and white, but to allow for the unforeseen. We have to accept that more often than not things will not go as planned and there’s no way to predict what, when, and where that will happen. So instead, we’ll do a better job of accepting the change when it comes and focusing on the way past it through acceptance and finding a solution as necessary.
Solving the problem
I’ll give you an example of when my mental rigidity has caused anxiety and how focusing my mind on the solution and accepting the change helps me ease my anxiety.
Around a month back, I installed a lift kit on my truck. Things were fine until I noticed that (to me, at least) the front was sitting lower than the rear — lower than I wanted it to. Next thing I know I’m obsessively checking the measurements front to back, driving around trying to find the most level ground to get the most accurate measurements. I’m trying to convince myself that it’s not that bad and that I shouldn’t worry about it. This works for a few days at a time and then my brain goes right back to ruminating and obsessing about it.
By now I’m stuck in rumination mode where my mind is mulling this over back and forth: the measurements, whether it looks ‘right’, whether I like it or not. I go online seeking validation, but this only works temporarily and the biggest problem is that when stuck in rumination mode, I’m not allowing myself to find a solution as I’m only focusing on the ‘issue’ by approaching it from every possible angle of view.
I finally schedule a time with a shop to get this adjusted to my liking (more work than I’m willing to do in a garage on 100+ degree day). The appointment is 4 days out, but on the day before the appointment, the shop has to reschedule for another 4 days as they get delayed on a few current projects. I had a moment here that I felt very bummed out — I just wanted this ‘issue’ resolved and out of my hair, and waiting another 4 days was going to leave me anxious. Things didn’t go according to plan. Again.
But it’s time to focus on the solution and remind me that my thoughts are just stories that I tell myself. There’s no impact on me or my daily life by having to wait a few extra days. The truck’s up and running and 99% of people out there wouldn’t even think this was an issue or care if they were in my shoes. It will get done less than a week from today. I accept this change and I accept how I feel about it, be it some disappointment or anxiety. I have a solution in place and that’s all that can be done at this very moment; nothing else I do will change anything right now.
There will never be a shortage of detours in life and thinking that I just need to fix this one problem and I’ll feel better and there will be no issues is a fallacy. This will never happen because new problems and detours will arrive and the cycle of anxiety will repeat again. It’s only by addressing how we react to life’s detours will we be able to live a higher-quality life and have less anxiety in our lives.